What follows
are some key points from an article by Msgr. Charles Pope on the state of marriage
today…
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| Msgr. Charles Pope |
When Jesus
uttered his unequivocal insistence that marriage was between one man and one
woman in an indissoluble bond, many were stunned and scoffed. Indeed, his disciples
retorted: If that
is the case of a man with his wife, it is better never to marry! Jesus went on to repeat His teaching while also affirming
that never to marry was a positive, not negative role (Matt 19:11ff).
To understand what
Jesus taught is thought-provoking in a climate where so many marriages fail. In a culture as troubled as ours, the
“education/catechesis” remedy will have only imperfect results. Deeper cultural
changes and healing are needed for marriage to recover statistically.
Msgr. Pope
posits that we live in a time when men and
women have an extremely high ideal for marriage: that it should be “wonderful, romantic, joyful,
loving, and happy”. if there is any ordeal, they want out. But there is no ideal marriage, only
real marriage. Why? Who
really entrs the sacrament? A man and a woman with fallen natures, living in a
fallen world, governed by a fallen angel, have entered the Sacrament of Holy
Matrimony. Indeed, the sacramental grace of Holy Matrimony is necessary not
because things are perfect, but because they are oftentimes hard. How many know
that marriage is meant to sanctify but, like baptism, its graces gradually
unfold, and only to the degree with which the couple cooperates with God’s
work.
Real marriage takes
a lifetime of joy and tests, tenderness and strain, worries and growth in order
for a husband and wife to call each other to the holiness that God gives. These realities are opportunities to grow and
to learn what forgiveness, patience, and suffering are really all about. To put
it bluntly, if we don’t learn to forgive we are going to go to Hell (e.g., Mt
6:14-15). Marrigae
as such is the real one, full
of joy, love, hope, and tenderness, but also sorrow, anger, disappointment, and
stresses.
Msgr. further stresses that the notion of an ideal (happy,
fulfilling, blissful) marriage is seen through the lens of our culture’s hedonistic
extremism. If one’s ideal is not met, then many sense a need to end a
less-than-ideal marriage in search of one that meets what will prove impossible.
So, in the
Church’s Pre-Cana programs but also in the work of helping personal
formation, we need to teach that unrealistic expectations are damaging. People must become more realistic
concerning their ideals, turning away from the smoke of hedonism and instant gratification.
Cutting and running from the imperfect marriage is not the final solution.
As we well-know, one imperfect marriage produces another and perhaps yet
another.
Msgr. Pope
emphasizes that he does not sit in judgment over those who have divorced, but
merely points out the fact that in
the past:
"….we tended more to stick things out, to
work through some of our differences and to agree to live with others
of our differences. Life was more seen as hard, a kind of exile to endure
on our way to our true homeland and to true happiness. Surely we looked to some
joys here on earth, but we had more of a sense of the passing quality of
all worldly things, whether good or bad. We would do well to regain something
of this more sober appreciation that life here is a mixed bag; it’s going
to have its challenges. Marriage is no exception. And though we may idealize
it, we should be aware that we are setting ourselves up for
resentments and disappointments if we do not balance it with the
understanding that marriage is hard because life is hard...."
Of course
there are many other problems that contribute to the present high divorce
rates. But here is one often unnoticed
cause: “many expect an ideal marriage, and if there is any ordeal, they want a
new deal.” In a world with adults behaving like this, the children get the raw
deal. Let us become more aware of these reflections by this wise pastor of
souls.
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